Posts by Shattered Reality

3

Anyone in Portland Oregon??

by bafh in

jw
friends

i'd like to discreetly get together with people in my area.

i'm successfully faded but i'm a 4th generation and my mom's a regular pioneer - needless to say i know a lot of people, and a lot of people know my family.. still, i'd like to get together - discreetly.. if you are interested, pm me.. bafh.

.

Shattered Reality

Bumping and pming

49

Turns out it was true - "the truth" was the only reason my marriage lasted so long

by Shattered Reality in

i haven't really been on here in like, a year.

my stbx introduced me to this site and then a whole buch of life happened and i just sort of never had time for forums.

but here i am at 3am, another sleepless night, and i feel like i am simply lost.

Shattered Reality

Thank you all, once again. Yes. I feel used. Like he doesn't want to be alone and currently has no one right here by his side (who knows if he's got other online relationships or has begun talking to the one girl again or anything - he hides his phone some times and others leaves it laying out as if deliberately. I won't and don't snoop through his stuff, I see that as a pointless and self damaging thing to do more often than not and in this situation it's not one of the exceptions to that rule.)

During the whole ordeal he would tell people that he felt nothing for me more than a familial type love. That holding my hand or kissing me - he was devoid of emotion and feeling. And up until Saturday he was super affectionate, wanted me touching him or leaning on him all the time. He received a text that I happened to glance over because he was right next to me and he deleted the thread immediately - I'm fairly certain it was in case I was going through his phone. It made me roll my eyes at how silly that was, but I didn't say anything because he'd likely accuse me of trying to read it (Um...I was sitting next to him and when things make noise it's normal to look). Anyhow - since then he's been standoffish. So either he found this thread or he's talking to someone again and doesn't want to tell me for whatever reason. Our relationship is over. All I've asked is that he not talk to that particular girl while I'm living here (cause that was beyond excruciating - and it would say a LOT about her if she were willing to after having spoken to me - she told ME she felt he was a little crazy, took the relationship out of context, needed therapy, and she never wants to talk to him again. My sister, however, believes that was a ploy and she will contact him again because she enjoyed his attention and was more emotionally involved than she's willing to admit. My friend thinks I should post her on homewrecker.com or something...lol...I'm like...nawww, I'd rather let it go - move forward - find positivity!!) Apart from that - we're separated...I don't care if he has friends and talks to them.

You're right - he works from home, which means if he's not feeling well or whatever, he doesn't work. It's been an ongoing theme in our relationship forever. At one point the "brothers" told me I had grounds for separation based on willful nonsupport. All the other times I wanted to leave him they told me I couldn't - be more like Abigail, they'd say. After so many years, you get sort of used to things, I suppose. My self respect? I think I lost it along the road a long time ago. I am attempting desperately to find it - but I really really think I need to get out on my own first.

His brother texted me the other night. It was out of the blue and totally random - but he told me I am a good woman, strong, hard working, and that I have handled this difficult situation so well. That if I wasn't as strong and positive as I am as a person, things would be much worse for my family. He says he can see that I fight for my children and try my best to make things better.... He says he really believes that I am going to be just fine, whether his brother and I patch up or not. I think he's hoping we do - I think he thinks I am good for his brother - but he also knows that a woman can only take so much and that his brother has been a complete and total moron for the last few months. He's lost me - there's no question in my mind that I absolutely have to leave and take my kids...I need to take back my OWN LIFE and own it, teach my kids how to own theirs. He's owned all of ours for so long. He's not a bad man, he's just selfish and immature - I keep hoping that the next woman he finds he treats better and learns to be happy and not so parasitic about how he goes about his life.

As for why I'm not gone yet. They cut my hours at work and I cannot afford a place alone unless I move to the side of town where I may as well take my car stereo out now because it won't last a week, even though it's nothing special. I'd also have to send the kids to some of the worst rated schools in the area with that move. I have my application in on some much better positions in this same company and lateral and forward movement is extremely common and encouraged, so I know it won't take long for another department to view my qualifications and snap me up. However, until that happens, my options are to stay here or to move into the basement of my sisters house - she's got five kids and her teenage son would share the basement area with myself and my kids. The kids would still have to change schools and our completely different parenting style would definitely be something we'd bump heads about. Also - she's quite demanding and controlling over my time as well, constantly needing favors and such. That's all fine and well, but I like having the option to leave and regroup - being with her all the time would be draining. Also - there's no bathroom downstairs and her football player son likes to hold parties. Yeah...

My parents won't loan me money. If I want their help I have to move 2400 miles in their direction for it and go back to meetings and study again. So...I love them and they're good people....but their help would also require a loss of self. The ONLY true option for me here is to find my own place...so I am applying every week for new openings for better paying positions with better hours and I KNOW I'll get a bite soon. Also - the lease is up in March - I am hoping to be gone before that though...originally he'd asked me to stay until December. Now that his little tart is gone, he wants me to stay until March. We shall see...for now I am putting my head down, working, spending time with the kids, and trying to find the positives in this dismal situation.

49

Turns out it was true - "the truth" was the only reason my marriage lasted so long

by Shattered Reality in

i haven't really been on here in like, a year.

my stbx introduced me to this site and then a whole buch of life happened and i just sort of never had time for forums.

but here i am at 3am, another sleepless night, and i feel like i am simply lost.

Shattered Reality

Thank you again. It has been a difficult month... i wound up talking w tgat girl he was having the emotional affair with. she is a real piece of work.She claimed.she had.no idea.how he felt (though she admitted to him she had a feeling) and I really think she just played us for the drama. she enjoyed his attention soooo much but when she realized i knew all about her she went in for damage control in case I was some jilted wife. I am not the vengeful type but I definitely had enough details to share w her bf to cause problems about lies she told him. Like I said...not vengeful, but she didn't know that. Anyhow...she played buddy buddy w me and now the two of them aren't friends anymore even though she also played buddy buddy w him.

Long story short he suddenly wants me to stick around awhile longer. He still wants to eventually move on but evidently he is content to stay with me until another opportunity arrises...

I still feel sick. Why can he not just let me go? It isn't fair to trap someone financially or emotionally like this... and how is this affecting our kids?? I am really just venting... but please someone tell me the pain will subside.

On the plus, I have dropped a size since this all started...

49

Turns out it was true - "the truth" was the only reason my marriage lasted so long

by Shattered Reality in

i haven't really been on here in like, a year.

my stbx introduced me to this site and then a whole buch of life happened and i just sort of never had time for forums.

but here i am at 3am, another sleepless night, and i feel like i am simply lost.

Shattered Reality

Thank you all. This has been so difficult. I am working towards getting a place for myself and the children. When we've discussed custody and the like I've made it clear the kids go with me - I won't deny him visitation (not to mention the hell it would put them through to have that battle, as well as the fact that when he actually spends time with them he plays with them and they enjoy his company.) My sister is actually very good at these things, has accomplished some amazing feats for herself and others in these situations, she's got me covered and will make sure he doesn't get custody, or spousal support, or anything else.

When I encouraged him to go out and see what was out there we were separated. He had just learned TTAT and I figured he'd need to get that all out of his system. He told me he didn't need to see what else was out there because he already knew he'd never get better than what I have to offer. At that time he told me I was his whole world, he wanted to grow and learn and love and have a positive life because he now believes this is the only life we get. It wasn't until this other girl came into the picture that any of that changed. Now he says he never felt that way and was just settling.

Last night was awful. I work a swing shift so when I get home the kids are in bed. We were talking for a bit and he decided to share with me some e-mails he sent to his guy friend. I told him if it was gushing about his little girlfriend I didn't want to read it, but he insisted. So in the first he went on and on about how he couldn't stop thinking about her, how beautiful she is and she possesses his every thought. In the second he proceeded to talk about how he had this idea of the person he was with being his partner in life and that obviously that partner wasn't meant to be me. He settled with me and felt sorry for me because I had spent 14years with a man who never really loved me. By the end of it I was livid. I tore into him, told him he was a piece of sh*t (I don't really talk that way, so he was pretty shocked). I told him if he settled with me then why did he beg me to take him back and why lie to me and trick me into this situation. I could have moved into my own place and been past all of this by now, but nooooo, I fell for his "I've changed and I am a better person with you than without you" gimmick. I'm still pretty upset about what I read. There was no call for sharing that with me. And going so far as to negate what we DID have just adds insult to injury.

I know I will get past this. And I so appreciate the support here - you all could just be telling me I'm stupid for falling for the same tricks, but you're all so supportive. It makes me feel like maybe I really will come out of this stronger and better. He will eventually flipflop again, though I hope he doesn't. His pattern is that he does, though. When he does I believe he will tell me what a mistake he's made and yadda yadda.

We each have our share in how this marriage went south, and had we not been JWs I think we would've separated sooner. This is for the best. Knowing all of that doesn't remove the pain, though. It doesn't make me feel any better about having given my heart to a man who never appreciated it. It doesn't make me feel better about trying so hard to be the wife he wanted and needed to know that no matter what, I was always going to fall short. It's such a painful process...where's the button that I can press to just put it to an end and be done? Fast forward to three months from now?

This last week he hardly worked. He works from home. So of course my entire check is going towards paying rent and the rest of the bills get to be put on hold until he earns more money. I'm very financially responsible - I like to have three months put away just in case... I've only accomplished that once in our marriage. He spends what comes in and only works to earn the bare minimum, which means if some other expense comes up (registering the car and changing my license to our current state) we begin to drown for awhile. This is what makes moving out so difficult. One paycheck isn't enough to get a place, and my entire months wages isn't enough to pay for the place we're in. (I had issues with that when we moved in, but he wanted a 3 bedroom so he could turn one room into his office.)

I mentioned he should be checked to see if he's bipolar and he basically just shot me down. His mother is and his sister is, but he says that doesn't mean that he is. The next mind I find myself with (granted, it'll be awhile, I am sure) - yeah - I'm gonna skip the guys with severe depression and bipolar tendencies. I think I'm a little worn out to have another go round with those specific mental issues.

49

Turns out it was true - "the truth" was the only reason my marriage lasted so long

by Shattered Reality in

i haven't really been on here in like, a year.

my stbx introduced me to this site and then a whole buch of life happened and i just sort of never had time for forums.

but here i am at 3am, another sleepless night, and i feel like i am simply lost.

Shattered Reality

I have wondered if he was biploar.... or a sociopath... I defininately think he is a narcisist. His parents were crazy deep JWs and super neglectful. His dad was an elder and worked six days a week and his mom was a pioneer always on the phone. or out. It is true... over the years he had me so beaten down emotionally... this is just one more time I have let him crush me and use me. I really just feel like such a fool!

49

Turns out it was true - "the truth" was the only reason my marriage lasted so long

by Shattered Reality in

i haven't really been on here in like, a year.

my stbx introduced me to this site and then a whole buch of life happened and i just sort of never had time for forums.

but here i am at 3am, another sleepless night, and i feel like i am simply lost.

Shattered Reality

The marriage definitel over. He still wants me to cook for him and sleep with him... but then he reads me texts between her and him or him and his friends saying he settled with me . He has never loved me as more than a friend. The chemistry was never there. Such absolute terms and yet a few months ago he could not live without me. I need to move out and begin to heal... I don't want to stay with him , yet the pain is so real. He flaunts his new "friend". How smart and pretty she is, then tells me he loves me and how smart I am. I will make some man so happy if he can tolerate my bullsh!t...it is ridiculous...

49

Turns out it was true - "the truth" was the only reason my marriage lasted so long

by Shattered Reality in

i haven't really been on here in like, a year.

my stbx introduced me to this site and then a whole buch of life happened and i just sort of never had time for forums.

but here i am at 3am, another sleepless night, and i feel like i am simply lost.

Shattered Reality

So he tells me now they are just friends and she is not into him at all. His crush is gone... suddenly he is being more affectionate to me again as well. I am a little afraid he will try and reel me back in.

49

Turns out it was true - "the truth" was the only reason my marriage lasted so long

by Shattered Reality in

i haven't really been on here in like, a year.

my stbx introduced me to this site and then a whole buch of life happened and i just sort of never had time for forums.

but here i am at 3am, another sleepless night, and i feel like i am simply lost.

Shattered Reality

Thank you. I know that is what I need to do... now it is a matter of earning the money and putting it away to do it. We will be splitting the bills and i am getting my own bank acct. i am good at saving... he is better at spending!!!

49

Turns out it was true - "the truth" was the only reason my marriage lasted so long

by Shattered Reality in

i haven't really been on here in like, a year.

my stbx introduced me to this site and then a whole buch of life happened and i just sort of never had time for forums.

but here i am at 3am, another sleepless night, and i feel like i am simply lost.

Shattered Reality

Thank you for (most of) the kind posts!

Doc - thanks for the totally JW attitude of judgement there. I see you know all there is to know about my life. When we moved it was because my husband (who is self employed) chose to stop working and we lost our home. My parents offered us a place to build a new life together. Our relationship was bad and I had a good job here, so I actually considered leaving him then, but he fed me similar lines about change and such and also plugged the "working on his spirituality" angle. He BEGGED me to move out there with him and within two months I kicked him out. He left, moved back here, and I continued to try to find work. After a YEAR and a HALF of living with my very strict JW parents I was unable to find work in their area. When my husband and I reconciled he moved back to the town we were living in and rented a room from a lady in town. He convinced me that moving back here would be optimal. He was supposed to come in November and I would begin to apply and try to get a job by May. I applied in October, interviewed while moving him out here in November and was hired. (the job has good pay, excellent medical benefits, and opportunities for advancement - I couldn't really say no) I asked that they give me until the 1st to try to make arrangements for my move. He was supposed to earn money while I was back with the children so we could get a place but he didn't have the most convenient work space so he wasn't able to accomplish that. He made enough to get me out here. I sat with my children (ages 11 and 13, so, old enough to have a discussion with) and told them what was going on. They asked that I let them finish out the school year where they were. They didn't want to have to worry about making new friends or any of that in the middle of it. School was meant to be out in mid May but was extended because of snow by an entire month. It was the single most difficult thing I have ever done to leave my children like that. The reason I didn't get more into that before was because I was trying not to go on and on and on and create the worlds biggest post. If you still consider that "dumping them off" in order to seek my own personal selfish desires, well then I suppose you and I simply don't have a lot in common, do we? I worked 50-60hours per week while they were gone (though I did take some time off to come visit them also) and managed to put together enough savings to get us a place big enough in a school district I approve of, as well as to help pay for the moving truck to get our stuff back out here and the hotels for his drive and food...etc. I cannot afford this place alone, though, because I won't work those kinds of hours with my children home as I believe I should be here for them. He has chosen to make one of the three bedrooms into an office for better working conditions for himself. The kids share a room. When I move out, I won't be able to afford a three bedroom, and I feel bad about that, but I tell myself they will be alright with this, since it's what they're already used to.

The offer for him to go find what he wanted.... Honestly - when we separated, I didn't think we'd reconcile. I just wanted him to be happy. He had a fling with a local bicycle and it wasn't all it was cracked up to be. He got sick and wanted me to take care of him.

I'm not saying that I want to fix things with him or that I believe now that we're a good match. All I wanted was stability, security, someone on the same team as me working for a decent life for us, as individuals, as a couple, as a family.

As for the exJW tart on Reddit. Those are her real tits. Her face is in nearly all of the pictures. Her tattoes are clearly visible in SFW pics of her in tank tops and such on Facebook with her family. It's definitely really her. She's evidently never responded to his advances and calls him things like "bro" and "broseph". This girl is NOTHING like me. The only thing we have in common is that people say we look significantly younger than we are. She looks like a teenager, and I, being 10yrs older, look a little closer to her real age. Otherwise - I have no piercings in my face, nor gauges in my ears, no tattoes yet (though I have one I will get, but it will be in a place where I can choose if people see it or not). She doesn't seem like a bad person, though I don't really have much respect for her - but I openly admit I am jaded and not the correct person to ask.

I'm not saying we didn't have our problems. I'm just saying that he turned on a dime and it hurts like hell. I have replies angles toward many of the comments you've all made, but since I only slept about an hour and a half last night I think I am going to try to rest. His mother is in the hospital today (she'll be fine) and he took the kids to visit her - they're not back yet. He did ask me to make dinner, but I'm a little bit thinking tonight we'll go with something easy and tomorrow I'll actually cook something more complex. (Easy is usually breakfast for dinner or pizza...LOL) Thank you again for the understanding and kind words and advice.

OH - as for the psychological stuff - I am aware of the stages of grief and trying to keep track of how I am feeling and why to be able to work through them. I intend to see someone, though, as well as find someone for the children to see. I think it's important that they're able to identify and work through their feelings.

I basically feel like some pointed out - I need to get out of this situation, and soon. Relationships fall on hard times, but to go from "I want to better myself and I want you to be with me, by my side, maybe helping me as well" to "I'm not attracted to you. I've never loved you that way. You never gave me feelings like this" feels a little bit like a mindf*ck of JW proportions. Everything in absolutes, the current truth is the only truth and the past truths don't exist or were misunderstandings of some kind. Like I said before...I just wish is didn't evicerate quite like this.

49

Turns out it was true - "the truth" was the only reason my marriage lasted so long

by Shattered Reality in

i haven't really been on here in like, a year.

my stbx introduced me to this site and then a whole buch of life happened and i just sort of never had time for forums.

but here i am at 3am, another sleepless night, and i feel like i am simply lost.